The word “decide” shares an etymological root with “homicide,” the Latin word “caedere,” meaning “to cut down” or “to kill,” and that loss looms especially large when decision fatigue sets in.
This quote was from an article in the New York Times describing decision fatigue, a condition that sets in after making too many decisions during the course of a day. The more complicated the decision, the earlier fatigue sets in. This helps me understand why Big E leaves most of the house and home decisions to me. Partly, it’s because I have an idea for what I want our house to look like: a vision for the downstairs bedroom, pre-conceived notions of family movie night in the hearth room, the serene feel of our master bedroom. But on the other hand, Big E makes many decisions throughout his day at work while I have the luxury of doing my work with enough time left over to daydream about the downstairs bedroom, the hearth room, the master bedroom.
The same article also described what happened once decision fatigue set in: either reckless decision-making or no decision altogether. The larger the decision and the more fatigued the decision maker the more likely it was that no decision would be reached.
I feel like this is where I’m at these days. Too many big decisions and I’m stuck in my indecisiveness. I’m feeling the urge to make some major life changes, but I’m scared to pull the trigger. Oh, the small decisions are easy for me: which shade of grey do I want for the main level of the house, has this company turned their reports in on time or do I need to contact someone, what style of hardware do I want for the bathroom upstairs, what do I want for lunch. But the larger questions: should we switch daycare providers, should we even have a daycare provider or should I just stay home with Little F, would I be happy spending my days at home, should we adopt a child; those are the ones I struggle with, the difficult ones I hem and haw over. And so they hang over my head like a wispy, feathery cloud. Not yet with enough heft and weight to turn into a storm cloud and unleash the torrents it holds within, but enough to cast a slight shadow over the course of the day.